Did you ever get so fucked up that, even days later, you can feel your body trying to compensate for the mass amount of brain cells that were lost?

When my hair was cropped, I craved covering,
but now my hair itself is a veil,
and the scalp inside is a scalp of a
crazy and sleepy
Comanche lies beneath this netting of the skin.
I wake up. I am lying peacefully
I am lying peacefully and my knees are open to the sun.
I desire him,
and he is absolutely ready to seize me.
in heart I am an American; 
in heart I'm an American artist, and I have no guilt.
I seek pleasure.
I seek the nerves under your skin.
The narrow archway; the layers; the scroll of ancient lettuce.
We worship the flaw, the belly,
the belly, the mole on the belly of an exquisite whore.
He spared the child and spoiled the rod.
I have not sold myself to God.

[patti smith]

Oh my god, I don't know you. Why are you in my house? I don't even know you! And yet I'm walking down the street with you toward the corner of stab-a-bitch and rape-a-bitch. Oh my god, I don't know you. Why am i laying in your bed with the lights off? why have I fallen asleep? why don't you take me home? why am I kissing you in the hallway? what's your last name?

too bad this is my first time updating this LJ in about three months.

hatebreed show = fucking awesome

i want to see them again




my life, my body, my pride
you have no say
my life, my body, my pride
you don't have say

livejournal is dying

a slow

painful

death.



speaking of dying... I'm dying my hair blond..ish. Well, it's at least going to be a lot lighter. Should be interesting..

I’ve really not been updating my livejournal very frequently at all. Back in January I had 19 entries for the whole month. In June I had only three. It’s not like my life was any more interesting then. Maybe it’s just gotten more monotonous.

 

Nothing eventful has really been going on since I’ve been in Florida. Since I was sick the majority of June, I spent most of my time sleeping, so that entire month was just one big dream. Basically I just got fucked up a lot (which probably didn’t help my healing process much) and it started to take a little bit of a toll on me. Over the 4^th of July weekend mostly everyone had 4 consecutive days off, so we decided to party hardy all four of those days. I thought it was cool and everything until I decided to look at the pictures that had been taken during all that time. There people in the pictures that I don’t recall being there with, and there were photos of me doing things that I don’t remember myself doing – not anything dirty, just random stuff like eating a steak. It occurred to me how fucked up I had actually been and I wondered, “how could I have possibly been conscious through all of this? I was so messed up I can’t remember and yet I could function normally enough to cut a steak? Who the fuck would give me a knife??” It was all a little disturbing. There was an incident with some nitrous oxide. Apparently I fell down after I hit the shit, and there were these huge bruises all over me the next day that I have no recollection of getting. For a few days after all that I still felt kind of messed up even though I wasn’t under the influence of anything. I felt like I’d melted my brain. I was severely depressed, didn’t want to come out of my room or talk to anybody. It was pretty bad, but to tell you the truth, I’d do it all over again. I WILL do it all over again without hesitation.

 

Honestly, I don’t feel that it’s any cause for concern. It’s not like I smoke or drink every single day. I actually feel like I can handle myself a lot better than I used to. When I first got here since I rarely drank, when I did drink I would have horrible hangovers the next day and felt like I couldn’t drink again for days. Now I’ll get wasted, sleep all day then wake up and start drinking again for several days in a row. I don’t worry about doing anything stupid because I  know I can handle myself. It’s ridiculous how great of a drunk I am compared to the people I’m partying with. Some of them are almost a decade older than me and they are such horrible drunks. They fight with each other, they become violent, they cry hysterically. Annoying is an understatement.

Anyway, I just thought I’d get all that off my chest. Right now I’m re-energizing and getting all my thoughts sorted out because tomorrow some guy is having a keg party for his birthday, and well.. keg parties have a reputation for a reason. Sunday I’m going to sea world to celebrate my cousins 21^st birthday. Tuesday we are getting fucked up because that’s her actual birthday, so of course we have to get her drunk. I’m almost certainly going to see Circa Survive on July 18^th, which I’m really excited about. That band has been dodging me for months, but I finally get to see them. Other than that I have no other plans. I feel good right now… so refreshed. We’ll see how long that lasts.

 

peace

so i've had a life-altering experience this fine evening. everyone was drinking.. and then we started smoking, but this time it was different for me. THere have been many occasions where i was fucked up and then started smoking or.. whatever that's not the point. This time it was the greatest. I guess usually i get to paranoid or something but this specific time was perfect. I just wanna get high today and tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that until eternity. It's grabbed me and reeled me in. It's like it shuts off all the insufficient parts of my brain and turns on everything splendid and pure. Marijuana is everything that is good and bad and evil and holy. I love it now, and i've never felt this way about it before. Occasionally i would crave to get high, but it's not the same. I'm in love with it now.

e-n-v-i-r-o-n-m-e-n-t

man there's a marathon of three's company and i'm listening to tool. it's awesome. and so is full metal alchemist, but that's because i found out what alchemy is because clay is brilliant and THAT is because he's fuckking stoner.. yes.